More cowbell, please

By Bob Mackin

When the National Hockey League returns this fall (and it looks like a fait accompli), it'll have shootouts to break ties and bigger goals to attract more biscuits to the basket.

Which leads to my modest proposal: The soccerization of hockey.

A win shall be worth three points, instead of two. The word nil shall be substituted for zero in event of a shutout.

The synonym "donut" shall be acceptable in arenas sponsored by Tim Horton's or cities from Alberta to Ontario.

The clock shall run real-time for each of the three periods. Any time used for injuries or penalties shall be added once the 20th minute has elapsed.

Officials will retire the vertical zebra stripe jerseys in favour of black or another neutral colour that distinguishes them from the opposing teams. Linesmen will be equipped with flags to signal infractions.

Players shall be allowed one warning upon their first trip to the penalty box. Subsequent penalties will be punished with yellow cards. A second yellow card will result in a red card ejection. Accumulated cards will bring match suspensions.

Use of the public address system and scoreboard shall be for information purposes only. Any use of the Fan-O-Meter shall cost the host team a bench minor. All seats shall be equipped with cowbell noisemakers. No more classic rock. Samba groups-featuring bikini-clad, dancing Brazilian women-will set the tone.

Foster Hewitt's "He Shoots, He Scores!" shall be replaced by "GGGOOOAAALLL!!!"

Hockey players shall wear transparent protective helmets to encourage greater hairstyle creativity (a la David Beckham) and prevent the return of the mullet (a la Jaromir Jagr, circa 1990s).

Teams shall revert to a traditional jersey design with space for corporate logos on the front.

The two teams with the lowest regular season standings shall face demotion to the American Hockey League; conversely, the top two AHL clubs will be promoted

The Stanley Cup shall be awarded to the winner of an intermittent, in-season tournament to run from October to April. Teams from the NHL, AHL, major junior Canadian Hockey League and universities on both sides of the border shall vie for Lord Stanley's mug in a format similar to UEFA's Champions League or the English F.A. Cup.

The Presidents' Trophy shall be awarded not to the regular season points champion, but to the winner of the annual post-season springtime tournament. For the first time, the Presidents' Trophy would be cause for a civic parade.

posted on 06/20/2005